we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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