i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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