Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
