just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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