The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
