it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
