You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
