I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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