my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
