Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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