I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Please don't give away my fajitas
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
