I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
