Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
