If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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