Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
