it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
