you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
