oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
