When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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