I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
