your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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