Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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