He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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