sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
