Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
