You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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