Im at strip club and am horny
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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