im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
