You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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