I accidentally burped into my bong.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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