i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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