i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize