if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
