My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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