life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
