their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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