i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
