I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
