Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
