I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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