Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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