Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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