somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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