Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i need some magic done to my vagina
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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