I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
