meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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