i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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