I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
