fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
