I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
