I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And then my night got REAL pukey
Randomize
