i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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