I looked at my own cervix.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
