I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
