Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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