Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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