Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
