I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
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Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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