I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
