I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
