if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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